Opening Up

As this country begins to gradually (not gradually) open up again, I’m wondering what this means to me. I’m happy for all of the people who now feel comfortable enough to resume outside work for a way to keep food on the table and those who have felt it unbearable to be trapped in their own spaces to finally venture back out. My existence didn’t change much because I live a fairly solitary day to day removed, while leading a self-employed life, with everything I do being largely here in my home. I feel very grateful that I am content to continue on in this way. However, my children, my husband, and many friends need “out” and I hope they’re able to get that soon. They are dismayed and somewhat concerned by my lack of needing an outside world and others can’t fathom my lack of energy toward a “distance” walk or meet up somewhere. The truth is that I am fine. Not terrified of the outdoors or suffering from some private depression or reclusive malady. Instead, it’s been a gift. It’s been a long time since feeling centered and having an inspired desire to work as consistently as I have during this time. Depression came to me post inauguration and stayed for a very long time, while the news and all its racism, vitriol, and violence kept piling high. This time of quarantine gave me personal permission to find my peace in my way and at my speed and thankfully I have reclaimed my creative footing. If I don’t have that, for me and only me, I am on a path towards being lost. It is the thing, outside of my family, which sustains me and keeps me hopeful: gives me purpose.

And in crept the mother/daughter story after all.

Back to work!

I thought I was needing to write something having to do with the mother/daughter story today but it has trickled out more as a gentle need to reflect on what it means to me, to “open up”. I guess my opening up has had more to do with the ability to write each day like an easy faucet, without cajoling or trickery, to be present in what is all around me, to continue to resist the bullshit within these private walls with rigor, to support my fellow artists & friends who have fought mightily against this virus, and to create. I suppose, more than anything, I have been spending most of my time opening up about my mother and our complex lives together and not together.

And in crept the mother/daughter story after all. Back to work!